Today is my sister Leslie’s birthday. Happy birthday, Leslie!
She is the middle child, and I’m the oldest, by sixteen and a half months. I have no recollection of my life without her.
Here’s one of those family stories, the telling of which will make more sense in a couple of weeks, I hope.
The worst spanking I ever received directly involved her. I tell this tale not to embarrass her – after all, it WAS a half-century ago – but to indicate how much that incident has imprinted on my whole life.
When I was four or five years old, Leslie marked up the piano with some crayons. My father went to Leslie and asked her who marked the piano, and she said that Roger did. So my father got the strap that hung in the kitchen – this brown leather thing about a foot long that barbers used to sharpen their razors – and started wailing on me. One of the things he was looking for from me was an apology, yet even in the midst of my pain, I was unable to do so. “I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it!” I sobbed.
Eventually, and these are pretty much in the words of my father, recounting the incident years later, he figured that I was either really stupid or I was actually innocent. Finally, he requestioned Leslie, who finally confessed, and he started wailing on her.
So, what had I learned from this?
1) Leslie was his favorite, even after Marcia was born. None of us alive – my mother, my sisters – dispute this fact, and at some point, Marcia and I became OK with it. But for years, it ticked me off that he took her word for what happened, but didn’t even ASK me, disbelieving me until he had to believe me.
2) Despite the discomfort, one ought not to admit to things one did not do.
3) Sometimes the innocent do get punished. This is a huge reason for my antipathy for the death penalty; sometimes the authorities get it wrong. (That’s not the only reason, but an important one.)
4) I just don’t believe in corporal punishment.
In January 1997, Leslie and I were visiting the folks in Charlotte, NC. My father was brooding all day; my father’s brooding practically had a physical manifestation. When we were younger, we referred to him – but not to his face, thank you – as The Black Cloud.
Finally, that evening, when I was taking a 1 a.m. train back to Albany, not so incidentally, he opens up. He believed that my sister Marcia, who was in her 30s, was not being very respectful to her/my mother; that 19-year-old Becky, who was also visiting, was not being very respectful to her mother, Leslie; that Alexandria, who had just turned six, was not being very respectful to her mother, Marcia – OK, we could discuss all of that – and that none of them were too big to use the strap on.
I’m pretty sure I bit my lip.
Leslie, always the diplomat when it came to dealing with my father, thanked him for sharing, and said some more affirming things before indicating that she would not be doing any spanking. I followed Leslie’s lead (though I had no child at the time), and Marcia did the same. Then our mother launched into this discussion of the family finances, appropriate at some point, but not right then. My father shut down, and said maybe two words – “Good night” – the rest of the evening.
So, no, I don’t spank Lydia; Carol doesn’t either. This is not merely a knee-jerk liberal parenting mantra on my part. This is because, and the sisters and I have talked about this at length, I got spanked a number of times, and the only reason I can recall to this day WHY I got spanked was the aforementioned piano incident, for which I ought not to have been spanked. I can’t think of a good reason Leslie got spanked, except for that same event. There WAS a time when Marcia was 10 when she talked back to my father, and Leslie and I independently thought, “Ooo, she’s dead!” But he didn’t spank her; maybe he mellowed a bit with the third child.
“Spare the rod, spoil the child.” I’ll risk it.
That’s a really tricky subject you’ve touched on. I only remember my father really laying into badly the once, although with his flat hand, not with a ‘weapon’, and it was something I was anxious not to experience it again. But slapped legs from my mum were pretty routine when I was small. It was painful but not scarring and certainly brought me and my sister into line.
I have brought up my kids in the same way and have never used the serious sanctions you describe, but the admonishing smack was always a fall back. I hope it was the right thing to do.
The problem with spanking is that many parents don’t know where — or when to stop. Nor do they figure out what deserves a spanking and what doesn’t. In addition, the type of child being dealt with surely has to have something to do with it. Sometimes it seems that spanking is the only thing that gets through to some children and a harsh word is enough for others. I think it’s a difficult topic because we none of have been parents before. So we have no experience to base our actions on. Now that the world is so small, everybody has his two cents worth to say on every subject. So it becomes either we do or we don’t. We make it a philosophy, instead of on an ‘as needs’ basis. Yes, I spanked my kids and one of them got more than the other because he would always argue and answer back. They, now in their forties, say without prompting “I brought them up right”. I deserve a gold medal for that!! As a teacher for forty years, I have to say kid’s behavior is now DEVASTATINGLY worse than it was before ‘no spanking’ became the fad and in some countries the law. You couldn’t pay me enough to teach in regular schools any more.
Here Endeth the Lesson.
You have certainly posted about a controversial topic. While most will debate that spanking is an unacceptable forum of discipline, I think that a spanking on the butt is an appropriate discipline method. I don’t mean excessive spanking. I also feel that there are other methods of discipline and spanking should certainly be used as a last resort and only up to a certain age.
“Diana Baumrind, a research psychologist at the University of California at Berkeley is Quoted to say “In my view, spanking…is no more or less harmful than a mild scolding, timeout or other developmentally appropriate level and kind of punishment.”
“Spare the rod and spoil the child” is a bit of Biblical wisdom that should not be forgotten. Current liberal society is filled with government intrusions into family life. Parents need to respect the Bible which has far more wisdom that the media and liberal self-serving politicians. We’ve all noticed the misguided ACLU trying to remove references to God and the 10 Commandments. Sensible parents need to bring kids up with prayer, warn them against depraved content in movies and TV, and spank them, starting when they are very young. I don’t recommend a 120 pound mom spank a 150 lb teen, especially if he’s never been spanked before. The job should have been done long before he got to 150 lbs. A lesson learned by a kid at 2 or 3 will last a lifetime. Spanking for discipline in the family is an act of love. Spankings do not have to be severe. A tiny bit of redness on the bottom will disappear within minutes but will have a lasting effect on behavior. Spanking is compatible with a positive family atmosphere of love, encouragement, studiousness and goals.
I see so many things wrong with that situation. The fact that you would get punished at all. You and your sister were both little kids. It’s not like either of you knew much better than to draw on a piano. Or the fact that he USED a strap on a little kid. Or that he didn’t even ask you about it. IT’s one of the reasons I disagree with it.